Whole Again

"If I give my life, if I lay it down, can You turn this life around? Can I be made clean by this offering of my soul, can I be made whole again?"

I had a fabulous weekend at home. On Friday I took Amy to see the yacht club and brought the centerpieces to Nancy's mother's house. She will make them amazing. We brainstormed ideas for the seating arrangements, so exciting how it all comes together! We started at a salon to meet with someone about hair/make-up packages for the big day. We were sitting there, talking, hashing out the logistics, and Amy helped me realize it was a waste of time, energy and money to go somewhere that morning. As soon as I told her I may have someone come to the house we decided to ditch the salon. I thought a lot about mom, and how if she were here she would have helped me reach that conclusion long before I sat waiting in a salon. Sometimes the fog of grief is awfully thick.

Friday night I hung out with Dad, we watched Ray, with commercials, which was no good, but still fun. Dad talked about one song that came out when he was 8 years old. We sat in the living room, the fire had burned out. We kept watching the movie and talking during commercials, and then finally a little after ten I said "we should go to bed!" and we did.

Saturday I dropped off the dress swatches at the florist and talked to the caterer about table linens. I went through Mom's summer clothes and got the hippie top that I always made fun of her for wearing. We were together when she got it at the GAP. I hated it. Now, of course, I can't get enough of it. I tried it on last night, fits perfect. I found some other good stuff too.

I'm dreading the bereavement counselor this afternoon. I need to make a list of things to talk about so I stay organized. I know that she's going to ask me questions and make me cry and I do not want that. But I know that it's good for me.

I've been having bad dreams about my mom. I have them when Adam isn't home, when I sleep by myself. In the dreams mom is dying again, with the details of what happened getting jumbled and different. I wake up and feel physically different, in pain, my body feels so funny.

Now, wait a minute, I was writing about my wonderful weekend at home. Saturday afternoon we went to Aunt Annie's for a family barbeque. My mom's older sister, Tante Peachie was there, for a long weekend visit. It was so great. I feel whole again. I feel like I'm discovering all the new relationships that are happening in this great loss. It's really quite amazing. I didn't miss Hoboken this weekend. I didn't miss the noise and the people and the frustrations of living in my crap-tastic apartment.