Just Like Normal

I finally called Ruth this week, on my way to work. She wrote her phone numbers on an index card at my parent's kitchen table. I lost it, thenI found it. Then I put it in my purse, and let it stare at me for a while. As soon as I started talking to her, I cried. I am learning that as long as I don't talk to any of the people that she knew I'm okay. This even includes my family. On Feb 27th I had my first life-stopping meltdown. My mom's friend Mary e-mailed about how she and some other nurses are starting a memorial fund in my mom's name at a local agency in Asbury Park. We exchanged e-mails from about 9am until noon, when I finally stopped trying to keep it all in. I just couldn't stop crying. So I left work. I came home and took a nap. I didn't do much crying again that afternoon until Adam came home.

My cousin went with me to the florist, to write up the order and pick everything out. I'm giving certain people tasks to help me. Nancy will be in charge of storing the stuff for centerpeices and helping me create them. Mary will arrange the limos. Every person that I think of for a job seems to make sense.

Saturday morning we were on our way out the door to go shopping. We got gift cards from our families for Christmas. My mom gave us each gift cards. I was walking through the apartment on my way out the door and I wanted to cry. But I didn't. I wiped away the tears and made sure that Adam didn't notice. I do this a lot. Sometimes I get teary but not enough to really cry and then other times I just feel like I don't want to, that it isn't a good time. I have been living my daily life with much success, I think. I have not been back to the gym though. Aside from that, nothing has changed.

Before my mom died, after the new year I made a point to not call her as much. I told myself that I was just preparing for when I couldn't call her at all. I also wanted to giver her space as my wedding planner, allow her to call me when she had news to report. Finally I got hungry for her and started calling a few times a week, from my desk at work. We had all kinds of things to talk about, mostly wedding stuff. One time she said "don't be a stranger!". When I called that last week before she told me it was almost over I knew something wasn't right. I do not regret my retreat. I do not feel that I should have eeked out more time, called more, gone home more, talked longer. The night before she went to bed and didn't get out of it again, we talked. I cried. She told me what her wishes were, told me who to give what jewelry to. It was great. We went to bed. I went to bed first, she would always fuss in the kitchen for a bit. I had my phone open, I was texting Adam, too tired to talk, crying. She peeked around the corner. "G'nite, love".

I looked up and said "G'nite Mom". Just like it was when I lived at home, in my little room. Nothing more, nothing less. No big goodbye, no drawn out I love yous, or anything like that. It brings me great comfort. We spent our last night together like we did all our other nights at home, sitting in the living room, chatting, watching Fox Five News at 10. We said goodnight. Just like normal.

Good night, Mom.